But, is it working *for you*?
a Rx + antidote to “shoulds”
Pride pack,
This week… the liberation + courage is flowing. I think each letter may get bolder and bolder. Yikes but yes?! Today… sending this letter to 8 year old baby Katie, 20-something Katie, and present Katie + you, of course. 🏹 💌
And, I’ve got a special announcement coming later this week. Eeee!
Can I tell you a secret? I still hear tiny whispers (albeit way less frequent) of what I was led to believe about myself as a kid regarding my frequent “quitting” from sports and hobbies and jumping to whatever next lit up my heart… ultimately, it/I was a bad thing.
Hi, it’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me.
(You? Insert whatever ways you were told you were a bit much, not enough, or needed to be different).
I tried every form of dance, gymnastics, swimming, tennis, ice skating, piano, flute, cheerleading, horse camp and pageants (Miss Pre-teen Iowa participant trophy, baby!) by the age of 8. Each one… I just intuitively knew it wasn’t working *for me* and I didn’t have a filter to do otherwise. So I just did me and quit, repeatedly.
And honestly, I think that list is quite an accomplishment now. 👏🏻 🤣
But… the beliefs & words from others:
Spells spoken over me if you will. No, I’m not really witchy, but it feels like that as I look back.
Katie…
You can’t stick with anything.
You don’t follow through with commitments.
You won’t make it very far like that.
You should be more disciplined & consistent.
Ugh, I feel my body + heart tensing up and a wee bit of tears as I write this… the sadness of baby Katie hearing this and internalizing some of it: That something was *wrong* with me and I should be different.
It shrunk me a bit, showed me a “box” to fit into, and added a smidge of self-doubt, but didn’t fully stop me. I’ve got enough of a rebel in me (psst, you do too).
At 8 years old, my next fling as you will… I joined a random soccer league. And?!
Universes collided.
Magic happened (cue dramatic music).
I loved it.
It aligned + worked for me. Ha, untainted tiny humans *know* things.
And, I was ALL IN for 7 years. I was consistent, committed, disciplined devoted, and I followed through. I became MVP each year, Iowa Summer Games champ (invite only), and highest scoring player. The only reason I stopped is because my high school didn’t have a girls team.
But, those nagging “spells of shoulds” and doing what “works” for others still whispered in the back of my mind.
Fast forward a decade and I did a similar thing in my 20s with trying on different career paths, even completing 80% requirements to be a psychologist… and then pivoting. Thank goodness baby katie courage prevailed and I have the career/business I’m obsessed with now!
What I needed to know + lock in…
In 15 years of coaching + watching my own cute humanness, these ‘spells of shoulds’ and what “works” for others cause so much doubt, delay, and spinning our wheels — in business for sure but all facets of life from food, fashion, friendships to supplements, sex frequency, and sunscreen, etc. — diluting ourselves + how we actually thrive.
Things I’ve heard/been asked recently…
I know I need to niche down and be more specific…
I made my 1-year goals and 12-step plan…
Idk, I keep drinking raw milk for my hormones/skin, but…
I’ve been following so-and-so’s method…
I’m trying to be more minimalist…
I take (insert whatever supplement) everyday, but…
I slowed down at work now that I have kids…
I should dress more like a mom now that I have kids…
I’m trying to go to bed early and wake up with the sun, but…
I need to be more professional and polished.
I know skinny jeans are “out” + middle hair parts are “in” but…
And then I disrupt (even myself) with the warmest smile, saying…
“But is it working *for you*, babe?”
Just like those other sports and hobbies weren’t “working” long term for baby Katie, she had to let them go to find the magic that did “work” for her.
In Acceptance Commitment Therapy — called ACT (one of my favorite clinical psych approaches), there is a principle called workability.
Workability // “Is what you're doing working to give you a rich, full, and meaningful life?” Your definition. Your vision. The way it feels in your bones and soul.
Is it working for who you are now?
Is it working for the woman you desire to become?
We can become slaves to others’ ideas and ways that do work, *for them*. We get lost in the swirl of other people’s lives, visions, desires, expectations, beliefs, limitations, and what works *for them*.
We can become slaves to past iterations of ourselves and what worked for her/us, then.
But is it working *for you*, now?
“Is what you're doing (or not doing) working to give you a rich, full, & meaningful life?”
Workability: a simple Rx + antidote to “shoulds” & spinning our wheels. Cheers!
A couple helpful notes:
ONE // Edge
Something “not workable” is not the same as just jumping ship when something feels hard, challenging, stretching, out of our comfort zone, or taking longer than planned. The women I attract in my sphere (i.e., you)… we aim to courageously meet our edge.
TWO // Expanders
I’m all for learning from others, getting tips and ideas, trying them on for ourselves. I’m mean… I’m still a sucker for day-in-the-life + Q&As of people I admire… like, “ooooo what do they do?! How do they think?!” But who are we learning from and are we checking in with us?
THREE // Foundation
I’m not talking about ignoring principles, intel, research, and insights. But don’t be boxed in and beholden to them… use them to liberate you and propel you.
The legends know this…
“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.” — Pablo Picasso.
You are the artist & editor of your life… start breaking the “rules” and “spells”…
But, is it working for me?
Yes? Lean in.
No? Do it the way you secretly want to & don’t be afraid to be seen trying along the way.
with love, from me to us
xoxo, kdo
The KDO Edit
Over 6 years ago I started an email series with a round up of my fave finds — things that are actually making my life better. I plan on trickling the new current finds into the bottom of these letters + some frivolity, because hello, juicy delicious lives are begging us. As we iron out the newbie Substack kinks, I’ll expand more here, but for now…
HEARTING
This mug makes my heart happy every.single.day. It’s been sold out a gagillion of times but it’s back right now!
SAVORING + SALIVATING
Something I never knew I needed but now can’t live without. Plus, ridiculously easy to make… Homemade marshmallows IN my homemade latte / hot chocolate bevvys?! That also help heal the gut, add protein, and grow gorgeous hair / nails / skin?! Yes, duh.
Recipe from @NoelleKovary here. I used 2 tsp. vanilla bean paste instead of extract and whipped in a stand mixer for 7 minutes.
OBSESSING
This vanilla bean PASTE vs. extract… in pancakes, simple syrup, and the ^said^ marshmallows above. Vanilla bean just hits (the taste buds + heart) differently.
There wasn't much for ne to try or quit when I was younger but with 2 girls, this is what they do. They try something, they might stay a while, they might not. All is good in the world. Trying & quitting are how we figure ourselves out.